Do not reward red flags with roses
Even with the cameras rolling on The Bachelorette SA, men still take the liberties that we often see in our daily lives. Be like Qiniso, don’t wait to see how red the flag can get.
Conceptually, reality TV shows centered around finding love are like one long, chaotic, quirky romcom. However, because it’s reality, the archetypes of the various kinds of men and women are even more pronounced. In romcoms, if a character exhibits signs of being ‘trash,’ it’s almost forgivable because we’re watching with the understanding that the film is fictitious. However, with reality TV, it’s impossible to remove the behaviour from the individual because they’re being themselves – albeit on national television.
Take The Bachelorette SA, for example – as the show unfolds, we’re watching Qiniso van Damme find love in South Africa... with South African men. We cannot consider the cast through the lens of ‘it’s just TV’ because these are men who can be identified in real life. By extension, their behaviours to win Qiniso’s affection cannot be excused as fictional or ‘for television’ because they reflect their everyday lives and dating habits.
Perhaps we should pause there; the effort is to ‘win’ her affection, because, let’s be honest, this is still a competition. No matter how lovely the idea of achieving a sustainable relationship may be, The Bachelorette SA is a competition, and the men in the show know that. However, despite their ever-present awareness that cameras are documenting their behaviour, the men in the show still take liberties that we often see men in society take with the women they are pursuing.
Most jarring is Kyran’s behaviour. I’d like to take a moment to reflect on the fact that Qiniso is a gem, inside and out. The same cannot be said for Kyran. On two specific occasions, he reminded Qiniso and viewers that while his charm and ability to don a good suit, brush his hair back, and smile may be endearing at times, he’s still a man capable of separating a woman from peace. In a one-on-one conversation with Qiniso, he alluded to having a “fierce side”, where he specifically said, “I come across as a nice guy, but you have to be assertive”.
Qiniso immediately picked up on “come across”; I imagine she wondered, like I did, “if you come across as nice, then, in fact, what are you?” At a cocktail party, the attempt to unpack his initial statement further did little to allay Qiniso’s reservations and concerns. Inevitably, at the end of the night, he did not receive a rose, and his response was disturbing.
“I gave you honesty and trust. You gave me challenges, and I won them. Perhaps you should check your own bullshit,” he whispered to her. To add insult to obvious injury, he smiled and walked away, leaving Qiniso visibly shaken and in tears.
The issue with this exchange is why he thought it was acceptable to intentionally attempt to diminish her by virtue of not having gotten what he wanted and or expected. More particularly, he had the confidence to do so surrounded by cameras, on the set of an international TV franchise. As individuals, we are taught that our behaviour is informed by where we are. My mother used to joke that children behave their worst when their parents are present because they know exactly how much they can get away with. Kyran, who knew what he could get away with, did exactly that, then went on to disparage Qiniso’s character in his final confessional.
Throughout this, I have used words like “reservations, “worry,” and “jarring.” All of which are kin or derivatives of fear, a sentiment men instill daily in South African women with no thought or care towards the consequences thereof. Where Qiniso knew to be graceful, Kyran exempted himself from the social prerequisite of grace to ‘check’ what he believed was poor behaviour from Qiniso. Interestingly, she didn’t disparage him the way he did to her.
The issue may have been poor language skills and limited time to unpack certain statements, perhaps. However, what is glaringly obvious is Kyran’s lack of fear of vitriol and his entitlement to correct something he believed was amiss in his dismissal. The magic of romcoms is that guys like him don’t get the girl in the end, and in The Bachelorette SA, as much as it is a reality TV show, the same can be said.
However, the ugly truth is that Kyran’s communication style and the belief that if he does X, he will reap some kind of victory, is a single woman’s real-life experience. Imagine seeking love and having to communicate that there is something to fear at the same time. Of course, he was sent home – that behaviour is what we’d call a red flag.
Too often, we see the red flag and ask, “How red can this flag get?” Instead, we should be like Qiniso – when the flag is raised, don’t reward it with a rose, don’t reward it with a symbol of love. Lean into that worried and reserved reaction because there is something to fear.
You don’t have to know what it is exactly, but understand, when a man tells you he “comes across as a nice guy”, he’s telling you that he isn’t a nice guy. When a man lowers his voice a few octaves to instruct you to “check your own bullshit”, with a smile, that man has given you the first glimpse at how red the flag could get. There’s no need to test the saturation of the flag at that point. Be like Qiniso, send that man home.
